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08 April 2008 @ 12:25 pm
Chapter 4  


Xander could see Caroline talking to some blonde girl from where he stood. He was supposedly playing pool, but really he was staring across the room, watching Caroline smile and gesture. What had gotten in to him? Well, that was rhetorical. He knew exactly what had happened. He came to this party expecting to see the same skinny, blonde, Abercrombie wearing girls he saw at all of the parties Mike dragged him to, but Mike had told him this party would be different. “It’s not the usual crowd,” he’d said, “carriage people. They’re all a bit odd. You’ll like’em.”
    And he did like them. Particularly this girl; this ‘not a geek’ geek girl. When he’d provoked her, out of habit, she’d come to life and he’d seen that the fire in her eyes matched the fire of her hair. He loved smart redheads, and her body…wow. Curvy in all the right places, she didn’t look so fragile he could hurt her with a good hug. She looked, well, he thought, gorgeous. But he’d screwed up. Damn, he thought unhappily.
    "Come on, Xander, take the shot," he heard Mike say. "Twenty bucks says you blow it."
Xander turned his attention back to the game. He lined up his shot, his eyes tracking the path of the ball into the corner pocket, but then his eyes were caught by movement at the end of the table. Caroline leaned over opposite him, the movement causing the neckline of her shirt to fall dangerously low. "Good luck," she murmured, but Xander didn’t hear her. All he could hear was his heartbeat as he stared at that glimpse of creamy white skin.
    He took the shot blindly, sinking the eight ball in the corner pocket by pure luck, and then tossed the cue on the table. “So. How would you feel about going outside for some…air.”
    “I like air,” Caroline answered. “Also, we could make out.” She winked and started making her way to the door.
Xander stopped for a second, stunned. I’ve won the lottery, he thought, she’s freakin perfect.
Moving quickly, he walked out on the porch, to see a flash of Caroline’s yellow shirt from the stairs to the second floor piazza.
    “Hey! Where are you going? That’s someone else’s apartment up there, you know!”
    “Shhhhh! I know,” she whispered, “that’s why you need to be much quieter. Now, come on up to see what I’ve found.”
Torn for only a second, Xander bounded, as quietly as he could, up the stairs to find Caroline curled up in a rope hammock strung between the house and post of the porch roof. She smiled at him lazily, and, powered by the cumulative effect of five beers and two jello shots, said, “Hey, sailor. Come here often?” She realized, as he lifted an eyebrow and snorted that that had sounded quite a but dirtier than she meant.
    “Um, no, first time. Well, not my first time, but, you know, the first time in a while. The first time on shore. I mean, I have some shore leave…” Xander trailed off incoherently.
Caroline had closed her eyes and was laughing tipsily as the hammock swayed. She felt it stop for a second then swing harder and as she started to open her eyes, Xander kissed her. Hard.
    Oh, she thought, that’s nice. And then she didn’t think for a while.
As the party died down on the first floor, people shouted their goodbyes and last hurrahs as car doors slammed. The streets slowly quieted and the softer sounds of the blue herons in the fountain next door and the wind rustling through the confederate Jessamine grew as the moon rose and the night darkened.
In the hammock, Caroline and Xander didn’t notice the birds or the Jessamine or even the full moon. They didn’t even notice the footsteps coming up the stairs until they’d stopped next to the hammock.
    “Someone’s been sleeping in my bed,” someone growled. “Someone’s been sleeping in my bed,” the same voice said sweetly. “Well, someone’s been sleeping in my bed, and here she is!” he called, this time in a baby voice. “Goldilocks! Goldilocks, wake up!”
Xander froze when he heard the intruder, thinking panicked thoughts about the whereabouts of his pants, but Caroline only blushed and then called out, “Baby Bear, Baby Bear, what are you doing home?”
    “I live here, remember? I get to come here whenever I feel like it. The question is: why are you sleeping in my hammock when you have a perfectly good bed three blocks away?”
    “Um,” Caroline began, “Brent, if you’ll just turn around for a minute, I’ll get out and explain.”
    “Wait, are you naked?” Brent exclaimed. “Why are you naked in my hammock? This is going to be a great explanation, I can tell already.”
Caroline quickly threw herself out of the hammock and tossed Xander his pants and t-shirt. She shimmied back into her clothes, and moved closer to Brent, who still had his back turned, trying to urge him closer to the door.
    “This is a really good story, Brent, maybe I could tell it inside? The mosquitoes are starting to eat me alive.”
She slipped her arm around his waist and he shrugged and started to head in the house. A muffled, “Damn it,” stopped him in his tracks, and he looked suspiciously at Caroline and then at the cursing hammock.
    “You know, in then story, Goldilocks is alone in that bed,” he chuckled.
    “Yeah, I know,” Caroline sighed. “Ok, Xander, the jig is up. Might as well get out of that thing and meet Brent.” “Brent, Xander. Xander, Brent.”
    Xander managed to get untangled from the hammock and came over to shake Brent’s hand. “Hey, nice to meet you. Sorry about, um, borrowing your hammock.”
    “No problem,” Brent said, “it usually gets borrowed by someone after a downstairs party, but not usually by Caroline.” He looked at Xander appraisingly. “Nice to meet you, too.”
    “Ok, well, we’ve got to get going,” Caroline said quickly, “Brent, it was lovely to see you; I’ll call you later.” She grabbed Xander’s hand as she stepped towards the stairs. “Have a nice morning.”
Brent watched them go, laughing a bit, and called off the balcony, “Don’t forget--I still want to hear that story you promised me.”
Caroline turned a bit redder as she ducked under the ivy hanging off the door to the street. “Just ignore him,” she whispered to Xander. “He’ll come by later to pester me for the scoop but he won’t spread it around or anything.”
    “It’s’okay,” Xander said quietly, “getting caught in someone else’s hammock is pretty funny.” Even more quietly, “Forsan et haec olim meminisse iuvabit.”
       “I’m laughing now,” Caroline said. “I’m sure you’ll feel more amused after a cup of coffee.”
Xander stopped, stunned, as Caroline sashayed off, feeling rather pleased with herself.
    Wow, Xander thought dazedly, I could marry this girl.
 
 
( 4 comments — Post a new comment )
akwilliams[info]akwilliams on April 9th, 2008 01:18 pm (UTC)
"I'll post over here if I update" my ass. Good thing I like you enough to check if you have more of my story up *grins*

The jump between scenes seems abrupt, but the scene itself is awesome. I'll bully you to put more detail in the middle, too (not the porn scene, although sexx0ring everything up later in detail would be awesome).

Now, bring on the relationship tragedy and angst, because god knows for every happy couple there are skeletons in the closet and past angst to overcome! Can't wait.

*humms happily* This has made my night much better.
[info]charlotteevans on April 9th, 2008 05:50 pm (UTC)
"I'll post over here if I update" my ass. Good thing I like you enough to check if you have more of my story up *grins*

*blush* Yeah, I'm bad about that. and thanks. :)

The jump between scenes seems abrupt, but the scene itself is awesome. I'll bully you to put more detail in the middle, too (not the porn scene, although sexx0ring everything up later in detail would be awesome).

Which jump seems abrupt? In the middle or at one of the ends? Ok, more detail noted and I may go back and sexxor it up--I was stuck there for a while since I'm not that comfortable yet with writing sex scenes so I finally decided just to power through and go back and fix it if needed.

Now, bring on the relationship tragedy and angst, because god knows for every happy couple there are skeletons in the closet and past angst to overcome! Can't wait.

Oh, it's coming. *evil laugh* I won't give any hints but there is some angst a coming in a couple of chapters.

*humms happily* This has made my night much better.

Awww, thank you. You rock. :) It's funny, I was stuck on something earlier today and was just going to stop for the day, but I thought, no, amanda's going to check for more so I need to finish something! :)
akwilliams[info]akwilliams on April 11th, 2008 02:14 pm (UTC)
Sorry, got sidetracked by life, finally replying (I know a day feels like forever when you've put something out to be eaten by the masses).

You ended the last chapter with our Heroine facing down Bitchy Girl who I'm rooting to be an ex or at least a vindictive phonecall weilding menace later in the story, and she's regretting having let her boy chance go.

Jello shot = dutch courage, yes? I'd say make that explicit at the end of the last chapter - it's shorter than this one, an add on won't hurt it. Just mention that she got an idea in her head, took a shot for luck, tossed her hair back swung her hips out and went for it.

The contrast in her behaviour feels a little startling - in the previous ones, she's very introspective, keeping track of what's happening. It's not that we miss that in the p.o.v change, it's that we're not used to not knowing what's happening, and she hasn't *seemed* like the sort of person who would breeze up to a stranger, wink at him and invite him to sex. Or rather, you've been writing first person inside-her-head perspective, which means your reader has been reading with *herself* as Caroline. Now myself and most readers of romance books *aren't* that confident, forthright or breezy. And in your next chapter, she has doubts about how to deal with a guy the day after. She's back monologuing her concerns and worries about being flipped off.

So, two options, each equally easy but up to you. You can edit your character's monologue to make her more confident, assertive and sure of herself, OR you could make her go through the same actions she does here, but have a moment of being doubtful and getting reassurance that her being that forward is ok, by asking a question and getting a reassuring smile and a kiss to quiet her. I'd like option two better, because I can associate more with the timid character and it makes me feel more into the scene.

I'd mention explicitly that night turned into morning too. We get it, of course, but it makes it feel like more time passes. Oh, and also, if you want awkward morning conversation for during the section I so rudely told you (will tell you, depending on which comment you're reading first) to cut out at the start of the next chapter, have her explain how long she's known Brent for and how she plans to deal with him next time they come face to face.

Right! It's 2am and I'm meant to be starting my own work. I keep stupid hours. Keep up the good work!
[info]charlotteevans on April 11th, 2008 06:35 pm (UTC)
"So, two options, each equally easy but up to you. You can edit your character's monologue to make her more confident, assertive and sure of herself, OR you could make her go through the same actions she does here, but have a moment of being doubtful and getting reassurance that her being that forward is ok, by asking a question and getting a reassuring smile and a kiss to quiet her. I'd like option two better, because I can associate more with the timid character and it makes me feel more into the scene."

"I'd mention explicitly that night turned into morning too. We get it, of course, but it makes it feel like more time passes. Oh, and also, if you want awkward morning conversation for during the section I so rudely told you (will tell you, depending on which comment you're reading first) to cut out at the start of the next chapter, have her explain how long she's known Brent for and how she plans to deal with him next time they come face to face."

Ok, I've edited the chapter to reflect, I hope those criticisms--I tried to make the reasons for her unusually forward behavior clearer, and made it clear that they spent the whole night up there. Now we have the awkward morning issue, and you'll see that I've done some serious editing in that chapter, which hopefully goes back to how these scenes have been playing out.
 
 

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