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09 April 2008 @ 01:50 pm
Chapter 5?  


     It was early for a Saturday so the coffee shop wasn’t too crowded, even with the Farmer’s Market about to start across the street. The coffee shop, Caroline scoffed to herself, as if it were some hipster hangout instead of a Starbucks. Concentrating on the evils of corporate branding was better than thinking about the guy in line with her. What had gotten in to her last night? Well, she giggled to herself, I know what got into me, if you know what I mean.
    “What’s so funny,” asked Xander.
    “Was that my out loud voice? Um. I was just saying something to myself and added ‘if you know what I mean’ and I laughed because that makes anything sound, you know, raunchy.”
    “Were you thinking something raunchy?” Xander gave her a half smile.
Caroline was saved from answering by the barista saying, “Welcome to Starbucks.”
    “It’s our turn. What kind of coffee do you want?”
    “Venti Americano, please.”
    “Is this together or separate,” asked the girl behind the counter.
    “Together,” Xander said right as Caroline said, “Separate.”
    “Oh,” said Caroline, “are you sure? I mean, I can get my own. It’s not like this is, well…” she trailed off.
    “Together. Venti Americano for me and whatever the gorgeous woman next to me wants.”
The barista snickered.
    “A venti nonfat half-caff mocha light foam touch of cinnamon with whip.”
The barista stopped snickering.
Coffees in hand, they wandered over to the Farmer’s Market. It was a beautiful day with just enough clouds to keep the sun from ruining the fun of being outside. Caroline wandered in and out of the jewelry stalls while he followed along, content to look with her. She tried the handmade hand creams and the homemade pickles and Xander watched as she petted the dogs who came by, spoke to the little kids and smiled at everyone.
    “Ooo,” she said suddenly, “have you ever had those little donuts they make fresh right in front of you? Those are awesome. If you’ll snag a table in the shade, I’ll stand in line and bring them over.”
    “Sure. I think I see someone getting up now.”
The donut line wasn’t too long, so Caroline was soon able to drop the basket of hot donuts on the little café table.
    “I wasn’t sure if you wanted powdered sugar or cinnamon, so I got both.”
    “Awesome! I would’ve liked either; this is even better.”
For a few quiet minutes they concentrated on the hot donuts and the coffee. Fortified, Xander leaned back and then laughed as he looked at Caroline.
    “Waugh?” she asked, her mouth full of pastry.
    “You’re covered in powdered sugar,” he replied. “Covered.”
Caroline swallowed and stood up to brush herself off.
    “That’s how you know there’s enough sugar,” she said, “if there’s enough to powder you too.” She paused. “Anyway, that was the last one, so…I’m sure you’ve got plans today. Thanks for the coffee.” There, she thought, now he’s got an exit that’s not too awkward. She held out her hand.
    Xander looked a bit confused, but took it and shook gently. “It was nice to meet you, Caroline. Hopefully, I’ll see you around.”
    Oh my God, he just said he would ‘see me around.’ I was right. Fuck. Why are they all such asses? she asked herself as she shook his hand and made polite noises.
    “Sure, sure. I’m always around. Ok, well, I’m heading that way,” pointing to the south end of the park, “so have a nice day. Bye.”
Caroline threw her coffee cup in the trash can on her way to the park exit. She stopped by the fountain and stared blankly in the water for a minute. I’m always around? What the hell does that mean? Dammit.
    Still by their table, Xander was having the same thoughts. ‘See you around?’ What am I, the world’s biggest asshole? Dammit, I really liked her. And I thought she liked me but then it seemed like she was blowing me off. Still, no reason to act like a dick.
The squirrel climbing up the side of the table was startled into chattering angrily as Xander leapt up and dashed off in the direction Caroline had gone.
    “Caroline, wait!” he called. Was that her red hair shining like a beacon just past that family of German tourists? Yes, there she was, still in the park, throwing pennies in the fountain.
“Entschuldigen Sie,” Xander said as he slipped past the German family. “Excuse me, please.” He stood behind Caroline as she faced the fountain. “Penny for your thoughts, miss?”
    Caroline froze, her arm still in the air as her penny bounced off the stone rim into the water. Her voice deceptively casual, she spoke while still facing away from him. “I was wishing for a do-over on a very important conversation I just had with a guy that I might like a lot. I won’t get to find out without a do-over though since I just blew him off in a preemptive strike.”
    A penny flew past her. “There. I wish for another shot too. I’d like to not sound like such an asshole this time. Let me go ahead and say, in case I mess this up again, that I had a great time with you and I’d like to see you again, if you’re willing. I also have no plans for today and would love to take you to lunch, maybe after we change clothes.”
    Caroline turned around smiling. “I’d love to have lunch, but, dear lord, I would love to get out of this outfit, maybe even take a shower. How ‘bout we go home to change and then meet back up in an hour or so?”
    “Great. What do you feel like for lunch? We could go over to Towne Center for lunch and a movie or hang out downtown…”
    “Let’s stay downtown—we could watch a movie at my place if we get a thunderstorm this afternoon, but it’s such a pretty day, maybe we could walk down to the Battery or something.”
    ‘Well, we had breakfast in this park, I wouldn’t mind lunch in another. I could pick up gyros from Papa Zuzu’s, if you like.”
    “Mmm, that’s be great. Extra tzatziki on mine, please, and no veggies, just sauce and meat. And then, just come over to my apartment and we can walk down from there. That’ll give me time to shower and everything.”
    “Cool. I’ll run home, stop by Papa Zuzu’s and see you at your place.” Xander leaned in for a quick kiss and grinned. “See you soon.”
    Caroline had the same smile on her face as she started to walk away. “Hold on,” she called, “you don’t know where I live.”
    “Oh, right,” Xander said, feeling a bit silly but not caring, “where’s your place?”
    “On Wentworth, just down from the fire station. The third single house on the left. Look for the blue piazza door and then come up to the third floor.”
Caroline was lost in thought as she crossed Calhoun and began the walk down the Wentworth Street. Well, that was awkward. Hopefully he doesn’t think I’m too crazy after that. But breakfast and now lunch and he even mentioned a movie. So we’re making a day of it. And a date of it? I guess so. A date. Hmm. She turned onto Wentworth at Jim and Nick’s BBQ. What should I wear? Is this a real date or does he feel like he needs to spend time with me cause we did it? He said he liked me though. I think I like him. And he’s good in hammock. She smirked, remembering.
    “Hey! Hey, stranger!” called a voice from above her. Caroline looked up. Home, sweet home, she thought. Amy was lounging in a lawn chair on their piazza. “Where were you all night?” she yelled down. “Don’t tell me you were with that boy from the party last night.”
    “I might have been,” teased Caroline. “But you don’t get the whole story unless you help me get ready for, drum roll, please, my date!”
    “Woo-hoo! Caroline’s got a date!” Amy shouted. “Come on up; I wanna hear all about him before you leave.”
    “Ok, but he’s picking me up here in less than an hour so I have to hurry,” Caroline said as she ran up the stairs. “Come in the house and I’ll talk while I get ready.”
She tore off her clothes on the way to the shower, tossing them in the direction of her room. “Could you pull out my jeans and that top with the butterflies on it for me?”
    “Sure, I got it. So what happened last night? I heard you left with Mike’s friend…”
    “Yep. Xander. He’s a cutie—really smart and funny, and we spent the night in Brent’s hammock,” Caroline said in a rush, “and then had coffee and donuts at the Farmer’s Market this morning.”
    “In the hammock? Crazy. But awesome. So, how was it?”
    “What? I can’t hear you; the shower’s too loud,” Caroline yelled.
    “I said I’m about to flush the toilet unless I get some details.”
    “Aigh, no, no! I’ll tell. It was excellent and he was so sweet. I totally tried to get rid of him this morning before he could get rid of me—you know how awkward that whole morning after thing can be…”
    “Yeah, that’s why I like to stay at their place. Then I can claim an early day at work or an early riding lesson and slide out before they want to do anything else.”
    “Exactly. So I tried to shake his hand, but...” Amy’s laughter cut her off. “No, it seemed like a good idea.”
    “Ok, ok, so you shook hands with a guy you just slept with. Did you try to give him a parting gift or anything?”
    “No, I just thanked him for the coffee and said I had to go. Then he said he would see me around.”
    “Ouch!”
    “I know, right? So I thought I was right, that he was a jerk or you know, just not that into me. But then he followed me a minute later and told me that he really liked me and wanted to hang out today.”
    “Awwwwwwww! That’s so cute. Where are you guys going?”
    “He’s getting gyros and we’re going to White Point Gardens to have a picnic and walk around.” Caroline stepped out of the shower to dry off. “Hey, don’t forget to get my clothes. I’m gonna dry my hair so if he comes while I’m under the blow dryer, please don’t interrogate him too much.”
    “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Amy grumbled as she walked into Caroline’s bedroom. “butterfly shirt, butterfly shirt,” she mumbled under her breath, “oh, there it is.” She laid it on the bed with a pair of jeans.
Brrrriing! Brrrriiing!
There he is
, Amy thought. Time to check out this new Prince Charming.



 
 
( 4 comments — Post a new comment )
akwilliams[info]akwilliams on April 11th, 2008 01:58 pm (UTC)
Alrighty, your style is changing a little through here and you need to set it straight in your head; Is this a monologuing piece? ie, does most of the learning and growing and development occur internally, or is it an action piece where Stuff Happens at *that* leads to the big revelation and understanding?

The writing pace seems to lead towards the former, because it seems like the travelling and walking parts are just to get to the conversation. Right? You've got a lot of details in this chapter, but I think the essence is, Morning after - how do you cope with it. The section in the middle where they shake hands is key. The rest is kinda filler.

*grins* I'm just guessing that part of course, but the amount of time in the lead up to the mutual blow off meant that I was thinking they were getting along fine. I was waiting for the revealing conversation. I *actually* thought they'd just sit down in the coffee shop together.

How big is this place? I was mentally amazed that someone could have time to run home, shower, get changed, pick up food, find the address of somewhere he was touristing at, and get the courage to ring the doorbell in an hour. But I'm used to Australian distances, and we kind of believe in sprawling our towns out.

So, nice wishing well scene. Nice meeting up with the gf and nice to have him show up at her place - the details of the type of food they're going to have and the place they're going to go to after are a bit too elaborate for me. I'd say stick to the essence - he likes her. Wants to see her for lunch. Let them get changed and make plans from there: half the fun in real life dates is the excited feeling you get when you *don't* have anything planned and don't know what could happen.

So, more wordy for me than usual, but all the same, the same critique: I like it. You've got a good story, good ideas and good style. There's nothing about this chapter, or any of the chapters you need to change what's happening, just in this case, take a couple of details out and let the story flow.

Awesome work. And awesome writing pace! I'm impressed
[info]charlotteevans on April 11th, 2008 02:09 pm (UTC)
Yes!!! Yes, this is what I was trying to explain to my partner last night!! I've somehow gotten bogged down in all these details of what and when and where and they did this and they did that, and bleah!!

Thank you for helping me clarify that--I'm going to leave this chapter as it is for now, I think, but scrap the page of the next chapter I've got down and get back in their heads. I should have it done today and we can see if I'm back on track. Once I'm back in the flow, I'll see about editing this chapter.

Man, you're awesome! :)

And it's pretty small here--all that is walking too but if he had a car, it could be any large town in america, pretty much. Our downtown is just a few square miles.

Ok, back to the grind. I didn't write much yesterday so I've got a lot to make up today.
akwilliams[info]akwilliams on April 11th, 2008 02:20 pm (UTC)
My god you are quick off the mark. The speedy gonzales of comment replies *grins* I'm totally going to find my own wishing well and toss a coin to wish for your speed and dedication to writing. I'm trying to write my story now and just wandering around networld instead. The ENVY
[info]charlotteevans on April 11th, 2008 06:39 pm (UTC)
Heh. if I don't reply when I see it, then I forget about it and then it's weeks later. :)

I've been trying to write for years, but now I have a job where I do nothing for much of the day, so I'm really trying to take advantage of that. The lj group novelin90 is pretty cool too--750 words a day leads to a novel in 90 days. I can't write on the weekends so i try to get through about 1000 words a day on weekdays--some days are better than others.

Today was decent--I did a lot of editing and some rewriting and started chapter 6 (maybe finished chapter 6, hard to tell sometimes.)
 
 

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